CareTaker To CareGiver

You stand at bat ready to hit the fast balls, and life throws you a curve. That is life. I have anticipated many things that would happen to me in life- I knew when very young I wanted to get married, I wanted to be a father, and I knew the kids would leave home and I wanted to have grandkids. Though you prepare for these things, you get a few curves along the way. But I wonder if anyone prepares for the time when they go from "careTaker" to "careGiver". Being a "Caretaker" is when you take the care that you parents give you. My parents were marvelous at this. My Mom(Betty) was the greatest. I never lacked anything in the way of having an attentive mother. From simple care(food, clothing, shelter) to the deep love only a mother can show(always knowing she cared for me and loved me and she was and is my number one fan. Dad(Wayne) was a wonderful provider. The short framed steelworker with the green fireproof suit(They called him "Stump" at U.S. Steel where he was a "scarfer") was larger in my mind that in real life. Yes, he provided a good living for the family and when Mom was sick, we were never neglected. Both Mom and Dad were the finest of Christians. Dad was an elder in the church at Parrish and truly was of good report of those without(1 Tim 3:7)and within. I started life with a great reputation(undeserved) because of them. People today often tell me how good they have been to them, and I know it is true. They stuck with me through the teens, paid for my college and helped Susan and I in the early married years. I'll always remember how close our budget was that first couple of years of marriage and Mom and Dad(without being asked) paying off the loan we had taken out for our furniture. Boy was that a help. Yes, they were the care givers, above and beyond the call of duty.
Now I am trying to do a good job of what the Bible commands, repaying my parents(1 Tim. 5:4). This job of being a "careGiver"in the traditional sense of the term is not one I was prepared for. Dad now has late stage Alzheimer's(He was diagnosed nearly 8 years ago) and is in Cherry Hill Healthcare. He is actually doing quit well and better than I thought he could be 9 months ago when he was moved there. Mom is spending most of her time with us and she is doing quite well for her(She has suffered from severe depression off and on since I was very young.) She is getting a bit feeble. Today at lunch I was parking the car, having let her and Susan out near the door. Susan had already gone in and a man was setting with Mom on a bench outside trying to help her. She had fallen over the parking lot bumpers(they always stick out). Thankfully nothing was broken and she wasn't hurt badly. She did have a bruised knee, a cut on the other knee that was bleeding and another cut on her elbow. Long ago I started carrying a bandaid in my "George Costanza" billfold. I have given out so many bandaids! Today I luckily had 2 "Superman" bandaids- yes, Mom was always one of my super heroes. After cutting the hole in Mom's hose slightly larger so the bandaid could go on her knee, I found that it was just right for the small wound. She was able to go in and eat and is fine so far as I can tell.
Yes, I am a caregiver. In the course of the last few years, I have not only prepared medicine, put on bandaids, given baths to Dad, made no telling how many trips to doctors, etc. I know I haven't done nearly as much as some have to, but I won't tell you that the journey from "Caretaker" to "Care Giver" has been easy. Furthermore, I have no idea what is ahead. I know I still have a lot to learn, but I do have a few bits of advice that might help you other "caregivers" out there.

1. God will not put on you more than you can bear. There have been a times when I was very frustrated because I did not know how to proceed, but every time I have thought I was in a corner, with no way out, God has provided a way. (God Provides)

2. Having a good attitude yourself always helps. I have had to give myself many attitude adjustments along the way, and I am sure I will have to again, but the more you allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself, lash out at others for your troubles, and whine, the worse you feel and the less you can accomplish.

3. Appreciate the little things that are good in your situation. For example, 10 months ago Dad and Mom both fell. Mother recovered quickly but Dad was much worse that he had been for several months. He was overmedicated and now, as I said earlier, he is better. When we have walked in the door at the nursing home for the last month or so, he has had the biggest smile. No, he can't call anyone's name anymore, and often can hardly make a sentence(Addi broke our heart one day by saying, "You know Papa usted to know my name," but he can still smile. I have been told that one of the hardest things for families to take is that many Alzheimer's patients lose the ability to smile. Dad may too, but I am glad he has it now.

4. Take some time away from the situation occasionally. A recent vacation was so refreshing and sometimes a night out with Susan alone is the best of medicine.

5. Take time to be thankful everyday that you don't have to face life's curves alone. If not for a wonderful wife and above all, a marvelous God who is so good, none of us could make it. (I love to hear Levi sing "God is so Good.")

6. Don't be afraid to cry. Like most men, I try to do all of that in private, but sometimes it is a great release.

7. Don't forget to pray. God understands when no one else does.

8. Think occasionally about what your parents did for you. There is no way that I could every fully repay them for the care they gave me. I will always be in debt and if by some chance, I live long enough to repay them- I will still owe God so much for every day, every breath, that he has given me.

9. Seek expert advice from doctors, financial experts, social workers, and especially from those who have already travelled the road you are taking.

I will try to write some more later on this. Actually, I have thought of it several times, but this is the first time I have been able to bring myself to do it. May God bless all of those who are in transition from "Caretaker" To "Caregiver". DC